NyQuil
“Don’t say you felt obliged.”
She placed spheres underneath
my tongue.
In hours, we spun
through glass.
my tongue.
In hours, we spun
through glass.
“Did you see it?”
Jackson Pollock painted her hair
in the back of a
green Buick.
in the back of a
green Buick.
“Denver is pretty this time of year.”
My dad struggled up the
mountain; I fell through
a man in Boulder.
mountain; I fell through
a man in Boulder.
This was poem was formed through me kind of... imagining a conversation with a friend. The stanzas are made up semi fictional accounts of things that have happened to me. The lines in quotations actually have nothing to do with the conversational aspects of this poem, oddly enough. The shape and form are pretty straightforward, the lines in quotations are being used to separate stories. I think this makes the poem more readable, because you're not being presented with a mess of weird, half fictional, stories all at once.
It almost feels like the conversational part of the poem is taking away from a bigger meaning within this poem. I absolutely love the line "She placed spheres underneath my tongue." That really drawn me into this poem. The stanza alone just holds very well together.
ReplyDeleteI don't know. I'm a fan of the first line, myself. There's something evocative about it. I like each mini section, but I'm not sold that they necessarily work together. Each one is wonderful in its own right, though, so I'm not sure what exactly isn't working for me. Overall it works for me more than it doesn't...if that makes any sense at all.
DeleteThanks for the input. I'm kind of conflicted when it comes to the first line. I realized that this morning, before I even read these comments. Haha. Anyway, I like it. But I kind of feel like it doesn't belong, and the "spheres" line feels like it might be a better beginning to me. I'm going to keep the line in though, for now. I think. Maybe.
ReplyDeleteThe pieces of dialogue go, in each instance, with what follows, so
ReplyDeleteI'd keep the first line. True, I agree, that the line Sarah quotes is powerful. This is one of your most powerful poems.