Strychnine
Lightning flashes and rotting livers
“You ran away a year ago.”
Records spun
in the background.
in the background.
I was coughing that day…
We probably take ourselves
a bit too seriously.
Fuck the audience.
just relax.
just relax.
This poem was formed by looking at a point in time in my past, and ind of mingling it with the present. It's a kind of conversation with myself, in away, while looking back at an event. The shape and form of the poem are pretty straight forward. The stanzas are different parts of the past and the present, separated where ever one thought left or a new one began.... in most cases.I think this helps with readability, because you have these tiny little sections of text that are easier to process. I need to be more specific with this stuff, but I'll probably edit all this in the morning anyway.
I'm not particularly fond of the first line in this poem. Does anyone have an suggestions? It's going to be changed, but I'm not quite sure what to do with it yet.
I think you should take out "I was coughing that day.." just doesn't seem to fit well with this poem. I actually think you have a good start with the very first line and maybe work with integrating it more into the poem itself.
ReplyDeleteI think you should just cut the first line and not worry about replacing it with anything. Beyond that, though, I'm not sure what else of value I can add.
ReplyDelete